List Making 101 inspired by Christi
The more feedback that I get from this blog, the more afraid I am to disappoint readers. Those feelings are the antithesis of expression. So no matter how many times I write about one subject, and regardless of how many readers I lose, I feel compelled to say whatever the hell is on my mind.
Where is home? When you’re a kid it’s supposed to be a safe haven. At some point though, you have to let go of whatever it is that your parents built for you, and start to build on your own. This is my new mission. I’d like to work towards a home that makes me comfortable in the future.
My mother did a pretty excellent job of making a home for us. We were really mean kids sometimes, but she made a point to teach us that home was a refuge. We don’t make fun of each other in our home. The goal is to design a place free from hostility. Mom knew that the world was going to be full of people who would mock and ridicule us, and that there should be at least one place where you can be comfortable and not give a damn about others judging you. Our home was modest and sometimes it was lit only by candlelight, but no matter what was going on—I felt truly loved there.
When I was younger, I didn’t think a home was important. In fact, I was embarrassed for my friends to visit because we didn’t have a great deal of material wealth. I was really jealous of some of the possessions that my other friends had, because of that I’m not sure I totally appreciated home while I was there. I hated all of the cleaning that my mother insisted upon, but I totally took advantage of waking up to pleasant smells and familiar faces.
This last weekend I thought quite a bit about building a home for myself. You can’t build a home where another head of household exists. Building means starting from scratch. You pick every dish and piece of furniture to suit your desired way of life. Since college, my house was just some place where I put my crap and crashed at after I partied. To some extent that is all I have now. I invested in my bed, which is totally just a symptom of someone who is chronically depressed. I told my ex-boyfriend a few years ago that I was investing in my bedroom so that I could have a comfortable place to cry once he ruined everything. Now I phrased that statement as a joke, but when we finally broke up I spent all my time in my pajamas in my bed completely lifeless.
This past year, 2013, though it has been very hard, has been the year of want. Now I’m looking for a job that I want. I’m searching for the things that I want, not the things that will work. I spent most of 2012 at a job that I took because it was available, dating people because they were there. This year is about setting myself up for the things that I desire, not the things that are available. There are a million products at the grocery store. Don’t buy everything that is on sale.
If I call you, it’s because I enjoy talking to you. If I invite you somewhere, it’s because I want you to be there. I’m choosing things more proactively. I believe that making those choices will inevitably make for comfort.
I had been begging my mom for a dog since I was three years old. I had this 200 page book of all of the dog breeds that were popular in Europe and North America by the time I was five. I wonder if my mother even remembers this, but I do. The book didn’t have any actual photographs, but contained pictures drawn by a person I thought as an extraordinary artist, and truly a lover of all dogs. I knew what each breed was used for, and what their strengths and weaknesses were. I wanted a spaniel. I knew that they were prone to ear sores, but I loved their crinkly fur and cute faces in spite of all draw backs.
Not ten years later, we were finally in the market for a pet. My little brother didn’t want a dog at all. He wanted a black cat, so that he could name her Blacky. At the SPCA we found such a kitten. She was lovely, and surprisingly much cheaper to adopt at the time. By the power of the youngest time, we adopted this kitten and named her Ebony for obvious reasons. After a while, my brother didn’t adapt to my mother’s rules of cleaning up after the kitten and bathing her. I took over the role, because I fell in love with this fluffy, vain cat with a meow that could invoke a migraine in a deaf person. I loved every moment I spent with my little princess.
I really wanted a dog.
Four years ago or so, I purchased a Honda Civic with some sage advice from my mother. I really wanted a Jetta, and had wanted once since I learned to drive. This year, I got what I wanted in the car department. It took an accident to open my eyes, but I told everyone that this was my desire, and I pushed for it and got it. Sure, there have been some fiscal consequences, but I’m happy to pay the price.
So, at the beginning of the year, I stopped seeing all of the guys that I was spending time with because they were available. I purchased the car I wanted. I am looking forward to having a little puppy in my own space, with someone who would like to dream and build with me.
I’ve made a list. Cavalier spaniel, I choose you! http://www.pupcity.com/puppies-for-sale/dog/w2zit151f03sjv9d/
This is a great list to be on—in my opinion. Finally, I’m thinking about making lists as much as my best friend does. You know, I think I finally understand why she makes all of her lists. She finds what she likes, and she acquires. In this way, I am following her example. She taught me that making lists are important but there’s nothing better than crossing stuff off of the list.
- 1. Shiny Jetta
- 2. Make Rough Draft of list.
- Capture Cool Guy
- Find cozy one bedroom apartment
- Acquire adorable Spaniel
- Find job that doesn’t make me suicidal OR homicidal.
- 7. Find Amazing Friends.
- Find Musical Outlet
- Help people in a meaningful way
- 11. Post blog entry
- Run consistently
- Use genuine Santa laugh as much as possible
- Sleep at night sometimes.
- Call more people “cuntfish” when they exhibit cuntfish behavior.